Sickness

Most people think being single means having lesser responsibilities. That's not true at all. It just means being a solitary person without any support- emotional, financial and other.

My mother's Parkinson is progressing which of course brings my elder sibling in grief spirals. It also highlights how I have been of zero help while she handles as much as she can with help from father.

I on the other hand, to quote her ,"I have no expectations from you at all because you anyway take no responsibility other than your own expense."

This happened in the morning immediately after I woke up and called family back over the phone, as I had missed their call be few minutes.

She resents me for falling sick. Which is also correct. I was supposed to be home for the weekend. Give her reprieve and shoulder responsibilities for merely 3 days. I failed at that too.

Why did I fall sick? I feel guilty for falling sick. It is indeed my fault because it was my responsibility to eat healthy and stay fit. I failed at that too.

Sickness is terrible. I wish I didn't fall sick. Now I feel sicker with the guilt of failing to shoulder responsibility and for failing to stay fit,  not being there for my family when they need me, for falling falling 

The entire day I have been consumed with these thoughts now. The sun is about to set.

This sickness is worse. It aches the heart more than the body.

I end up taking a paracetamol and try to sleep. I am not sure if I am supposed to take it.

This sickness.